Thought maybe I'd update a little more regularly, so the next post isn't, like, three pages long. :)
Two things this time around.
One: we've got another coworker, at least for the next three months. M came just to stay for a few days while she waited for a flight back to Germany (she was trying to do her eurythmy therapy training work placement thing -- observing a therapist at work, but the place she applied to was taken by another training eurythmist, so she was heading back to Germany to find somewhere new. And then she came here, and we mentioned our need for another coworker, and she mentioned her desire to work in a Camphill, and voila.)
She's lovely -- early 30s, with a Swiss/German/French/Australian accent (worldly childhood). We've gotten a bit mired in the drama of the last few weeks, so she's also a nice breath of fresh air. :)
Anyway, she's here now and that's good, cause the second bit of news is a la A.
Had a crap day yesterday -- got really tired and hungry and angry while working in the garden in the afternoon, on top of spending the day trying to suppress the urge to burst into tears. Succeeded at that, for the most part, but it made my head (and heart) hurt. Anyway, I was out of it and just wanted me time when I got back before supper, so I headed up to my room. Stopped in to A's room on the way to announce that supper (including chips...mm...) would be served momentarily, and was greeted with a sad face and voice and the announcement that she'd overdosed on her meds (on purpose). Fuck.
So I got R, who spent the next few hours on the phone to try and sort it out without getting the ambulance. But A called the paramedics herself, and is now in a hospital in Limerick. She didn't seriously hurt herself -- she's done this before, negative attention seeking (done this actual thing, suicide scares, before, actually). The thing that gets me is that I couldn't muster sympathy at the time for her, at all. I was so out of it myself that it was just like, ok. Yeah. Of course this would happen now. Thanks a lot.
Which is crap, because if I can't sympathise or empathise how much help am I to her, really?
It just scared me, that I don't trust anything she says (because of her history of playing with the truth) and then that I wasn't paying much attention to her during the day (she was kind of left to her own devices, which maybe isn't a good thing for her...anyway.)
I shall continue this later, though, as it is lunchtime now.
I hope all is well with all of you (and please don't let this post colour your day. I'm fine, she's fine -- it was just a bad series of events).
Ok.
LOVE.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
this one needs a disclaimer
Ok. Disclaimer: I want to fill this post with all the salient information from the past few weeks...but I don't want to form coherent paragraphs. So it may jump around a bit. Still, enjoy. :)
Right, so there have been major changes going on around here in the last little while. The least disruptive is the departure of the baby goat and sheep (V-Toe and Darby, you may remember them from earlier posts). They have been returned from whence they came, weaned down to two bottles a day instead of five and happily munching away on hay and grain and dandylion heads (really cute, actually). I'm a little sad to see them go. I mean, sure they kept escaping and eating various people's garden plants and wreaking havoc on the chicken coop (where they were kept, which then had to be constantly repaired). But they were really cute too, especially when they didn't try to eat my clothes but were just watching me or breathing their little warm breaths on my hands. Still, all good things end and I'm left feeling happy I had (and took) a chance to mother some baby livestock for awhile.
Change number two: we're hosting a possible new resident, A, on a 3 month trial. She has been coming for a few days a week for, like, a year and I'm really glad we're moving things along. She doesn't always mesh with the schedule, or the coworkers, but the bumps will surely be easier to see (and therefore iron out) when she's here for a longer sustained time, yeah? Yeah. She does the whole getting-under-your-skin, finding-and-pushing-your-buttons thing really well and really often, which is probably why it's taken this long for her to come for a longer time. Anyway, I'll see how I do with growing a thicker skin (one time, on one of her short visits, she suggested I visit a salon to get my upper lip waxed. All well and good, sure, but not at the breakfast table when my defenses are sleepy and low and there are other coworkers at the table. Thanks for pointing out I have whiskers, Anne. Love it).
(PS, sorry if it seems like these posts have a lot of feeling sorry for myself in them. I don't mean for it to come out that way....but it's also true that the walls are thin so I can't vent emotions over the phone, and I don't know anyone here outside the community well enough for that yet).
Anywho, A. So, yeah. She came last week and is coming next week (Mon-Fri), and then the trial period starts in earnest (for 3 months straight). I think it went well with her last week. We didn't have any confrontations, and we did have a nice chat about the kind of arts and crafts she does, and how it's funny that the kids here don't watch TV. At one point I did feel like I snapped at her...but it was while trying to get her up and pump up my blood sugar at the same time, and she may have been asleep. So. :)
And change number three: Mat has left. For good. I mean, he's staying with friends just outside of Scarriff (I met up with him last week on my day off, for a coffee), but he's left the Camphill and is eventually going back home to Germany (via rail, I think). This just isn't the right place for him at this point in his life -- I think he needs more care than he can give, needs to just figure himself out first. His leaving complicated the whole A trial thing, so that it's ended up that it's Ric, R (and the girls), A and I in Clai, and N, J, M and M and baby M, and E in Inis. I miss having N around -- he's a lovely person to have around in the mornings if he's happy (you can just hear giggles coming from the sitting room while you make breakfast. What a lovely way to wake up. :)) I don't think I really miss Mat -- I mean, I feel his absence (especially in that now there are many more things for me to do -- it kind of works out that I'm the only full-time coworker in Clai, because R has her girls. Which is all well and good for her, and I'm not at all saying she doesn't need time with just them because of course she does...but it's a little much when that means I have to entertain both A and Ric, who don't sit happily with a string or simply listen to music like N does. They need full-on entertainment...and let's be honest. I can barely entertain myself when I have to. :)) Anyway, yeah. I think I'm ok with Mat's leaving because it's obvious that he needed to go -- we had several conversations before he left, and they always ended with me saying "if this isn't the right place for you, tell us and go. It's healthier and better for everyone if it's out in the open and decided-upon instead of festering away inside". More or less. :) Also, if I'm being honest, sometimes it got a little much, the conversations with him. It was a whole lot of him reminiscing about days gone by and saying "I'm ok with this" when he wasn't fully, and (most annoyingly) not listening when I managed to get a word in edgewise (unless it was advice for him for the situation at hand). Whew. Anyway, I don't want to dump all my residiual urg about him out now, because he was also nice and friendly and funny and helpful and all those good things.
Anyway.
And now for something completely different. I biked to Scarriff the other day, on my day off. This is a big deal for me, because it's all hilly over here, and because there are no sidewalks let alone bike lanes. Still, it wasn't too busy and I managed quite well (and safely), on R's mum's lovely old bike with curvy handlebars that reminded me to sit up straight (when I listened to them). :) Mm. I'm proud of me for the ride. Also for making dumplings the other day for dinner -- I made a veggie stew and sat the dumplings (Mum's recipe) on top and they turned out beautifully and everyone was happy with them and made jokes re. me saying I'm not a cook and then turning out dumplings. Guess I can't hide behind the I-fried-a-plastic-spatula-onto-grilled-cheese story anymore. Oh well. :) Then I hung out with Mat and went to the library and got picked up by P to have dinner with him and his wife A (both work in the theatre; their kids and I have a lot in common -- interests in graphic novels, graffiti, theatre, etc). Then he gave me his commentary on the play I wrote for this community, and said in the end that I shouldn't let what I've written constrict me from writing it all over again totally different (I said, "But I've written it for them and we've started working a bit on it and I'd feel bad to go and totally change it now...except I really don't like it the way it is at all" and he said "They'll understand. It's the way theatre works". Good reminder. :)
Also, I went to a drumming workshop the other day (with people from the community), and it was so much fun I can't believe it. It was African drumming, with jimbays (probably spelled wrong). I LOVE hand-drumming...and the best part was, everyone was doing it quite happily (including J and N and another such fellow from around Scarriff). Oh, rhythm. How I love thee.
Right. So, those are all the big things I can think of right now...except also, I was taking care of the house (outdoor) cat Cider, who had to have his tail amputated and then stay inside for a bit. He's lovely, and I fed him and everything (aka put his cone on so he wouldn't gnaw the stitches out). He's stitches-free and back outside now...but I think I'll still bring him food and knuckle his head now and again.
And it's been ridiculously warm the past few days (weeks, even) -- one day people were out in shorts, and the harbour felt like Halifax in the summer. Minus the Cow's ice cream stand, unfortunately. But it's back to rain, for tonight at least. (Which, for the garden, is a good thing. :)).
And nothing's decided yet, but I'm thinking I may stay here for a couple extra months, because M and M are leaving in December (which is when I would leave, if I'm sticking around for only a year)...and then it would just be E and R and the residents, as it stands now. Which is a lot of stress (which there is a lot of around anyway, so less is good). So I'm thinking I may stay around to see Clai through this yet another massive change, and then head off home (or, rather, head off around Europe and then home). We shall see.
Ok. I'm written out, so I'm off now. But I hope all is well with you, and I love and miss you all lot. A whole lot.
LOVE.
PS; I know it's ridiculous, but sometimes when I come online I would love to just see a comment or two (because I know you're reading this, but as per usual it's the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it syndrome). Aka can someone post a comment, even if it's just hi?
T'anks, so (as they say here).
LOVE.
Right, so there have been major changes going on around here in the last little while. The least disruptive is the departure of the baby goat and sheep (V-Toe and Darby, you may remember them from earlier posts). They have been returned from whence they came, weaned down to two bottles a day instead of five and happily munching away on hay and grain and dandylion heads (really cute, actually). I'm a little sad to see them go. I mean, sure they kept escaping and eating various people's garden plants and wreaking havoc on the chicken coop (where they were kept, which then had to be constantly repaired). But they were really cute too, especially when they didn't try to eat my clothes but were just watching me or breathing their little warm breaths on my hands. Still, all good things end and I'm left feeling happy I had (and took) a chance to mother some baby livestock for awhile.
Change number two: we're hosting a possible new resident, A, on a 3 month trial. She has been coming for a few days a week for, like, a year and I'm really glad we're moving things along. She doesn't always mesh with the schedule, or the coworkers, but the bumps will surely be easier to see (and therefore iron out) when she's here for a longer sustained time, yeah? Yeah. She does the whole getting-under-your-skin, finding-and-pushing-your-buttons thing really well and really often, which is probably why it's taken this long for her to come for a longer time. Anyway, I'll see how I do with growing a thicker skin (one time, on one of her short visits, she suggested I visit a salon to get my upper lip waxed. All well and good, sure, but not at the breakfast table when my defenses are sleepy and low and there are other coworkers at the table. Thanks for pointing out I have whiskers, Anne. Love it).
(PS, sorry if it seems like these posts have a lot of feeling sorry for myself in them. I don't mean for it to come out that way....but it's also true that the walls are thin so I can't vent emotions over the phone, and I don't know anyone here outside the community well enough for that yet).
Anywho, A. So, yeah. She came last week and is coming next week (Mon-Fri), and then the trial period starts in earnest (for 3 months straight). I think it went well with her last week. We didn't have any confrontations, and we did have a nice chat about the kind of arts and crafts she does, and how it's funny that the kids here don't watch TV. At one point I did feel like I snapped at her...but it was while trying to get her up and pump up my blood sugar at the same time, and she may have been asleep. So. :)
And change number three: Mat has left. For good. I mean, he's staying with friends just outside of Scarriff (I met up with him last week on my day off, for a coffee), but he's left the Camphill and is eventually going back home to Germany (via rail, I think). This just isn't the right place for him at this point in his life -- I think he needs more care than he can give, needs to just figure himself out first. His leaving complicated the whole A trial thing, so that it's ended up that it's Ric, R (and the girls), A and I in Clai, and N, J, M and M and baby M, and E in Inis. I miss having N around -- he's a lovely person to have around in the mornings if he's happy (you can just hear giggles coming from the sitting room while you make breakfast. What a lovely way to wake up. :)) I don't think I really miss Mat -- I mean, I feel his absence (especially in that now there are many more things for me to do -- it kind of works out that I'm the only full-time coworker in Clai, because R has her girls. Which is all well and good for her, and I'm not at all saying she doesn't need time with just them because of course she does...but it's a little much when that means I have to entertain both A and Ric, who don't sit happily with a string or simply listen to music like N does. They need full-on entertainment...and let's be honest. I can barely entertain myself when I have to. :)) Anyway, yeah. I think I'm ok with Mat's leaving because it's obvious that he needed to go -- we had several conversations before he left, and they always ended with me saying "if this isn't the right place for you, tell us and go. It's healthier and better for everyone if it's out in the open and decided-upon instead of festering away inside". More or less. :) Also, if I'm being honest, sometimes it got a little much, the conversations with him. It was a whole lot of him reminiscing about days gone by and saying "I'm ok with this" when he wasn't fully, and (most annoyingly) not listening when I managed to get a word in edgewise (unless it was advice for him for the situation at hand). Whew. Anyway, I don't want to dump all my residiual urg about him out now, because he was also nice and friendly and funny and helpful and all those good things.
Anyway.
And now for something completely different. I biked to Scarriff the other day, on my day off. This is a big deal for me, because it's all hilly over here, and because there are no sidewalks let alone bike lanes. Still, it wasn't too busy and I managed quite well (and safely), on R's mum's lovely old bike with curvy handlebars that reminded me to sit up straight (when I listened to them). :) Mm. I'm proud of me for the ride. Also for making dumplings the other day for dinner -- I made a veggie stew and sat the dumplings (Mum's recipe) on top and they turned out beautifully and everyone was happy with them and made jokes re. me saying I'm not a cook and then turning out dumplings. Guess I can't hide behind the I-fried-a-plastic-spatula-onto-grilled-cheese story anymore. Oh well. :) Then I hung out with Mat and went to the library and got picked up by P to have dinner with him and his wife A (both work in the theatre; their kids and I have a lot in common -- interests in graphic novels, graffiti, theatre, etc). Then he gave me his commentary on the play I wrote for this community, and said in the end that I shouldn't let what I've written constrict me from writing it all over again totally different (I said, "But I've written it for them and we've started working a bit on it and I'd feel bad to go and totally change it now...except I really don't like it the way it is at all" and he said "They'll understand. It's the way theatre works". Good reminder. :)
Also, I went to a drumming workshop the other day (with people from the community), and it was so much fun I can't believe it. It was African drumming, with jimbays (probably spelled wrong). I LOVE hand-drumming...and the best part was, everyone was doing it quite happily (including J and N and another such fellow from around Scarriff). Oh, rhythm. How I love thee.
Right. So, those are all the big things I can think of right now...except also, I was taking care of the house (outdoor) cat Cider, who had to have his tail amputated and then stay inside for a bit. He's lovely, and I fed him and everything (aka put his cone on so he wouldn't gnaw the stitches out). He's stitches-free and back outside now...but I think I'll still bring him food and knuckle his head now and again.
And it's been ridiculously warm the past few days (weeks, even) -- one day people were out in shorts, and the harbour felt like Halifax in the summer. Minus the Cow's ice cream stand, unfortunately. But it's back to rain, for tonight at least. (Which, for the garden, is a good thing. :)).
And nothing's decided yet, but I'm thinking I may stay here for a couple extra months, because M and M are leaving in December (which is when I would leave, if I'm sticking around for only a year)...and then it would just be E and R and the residents, as it stands now. Which is a lot of stress (which there is a lot of around anyway, so less is good). So I'm thinking I may stay around to see Clai through this yet another massive change, and then head off home (or, rather, head off around Europe and then home). We shall see.
Ok. I'm written out, so I'm off now. But I hope all is well with you, and I love and miss you all lot. A whole lot.
LOVE.
PS; I know it's ridiculous, but sometimes when I come online I would love to just see a comment or two (because I know you're reading this, but as per usual it's the I'll-believe-it-when-I-see-it syndrome). Aka can someone post a comment, even if it's just hi?
T'anks, so (as they say here).
LOVE.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Easter tidings
Happy Easter!
Small story this time. Woke up this morning at 615ish, went for a "border walk" up to the Dolman (druid-era standing stones) to find the sun (aka watch the sunrise). Absolutely beautiful...I don't think I've seen a full sunrise before, and this one was breathtaking. No wonder we believe in something bigger than us.
Anyway, just needed to get that out into the universe. Will report later on lazy days (we get the next week "off" from our regular schedule, so more time for the play and garden and fun stuff like that), and ridiculous amounts of easter food, and all.
I hope this fine Sunday is finding you all well.
Love you as much as a thousand sunrises.
LOVE.
Small story this time. Woke up this morning at 615ish, went for a "border walk" up to the Dolman (druid-era standing stones) to find the sun (aka watch the sunrise). Absolutely beautiful...I don't think I've seen a full sunrise before, and this one was breathtaking. No wonder we believe in something bigger than us.
Anyway, just needed to get that out into the universe. Will report later on lazy days (we get the next week "off" from our regular schedule, so more time for the play and garden and fun stuff like that), and ridiculous amounts of easter food, and all.
I hope this fine Sunday is finding you all well.
Love you as much as a thousand sunrises.
LOVE.
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