Mr. Weedy

Hey, all. How're you guys doing?

Nothing major has happened here, really....but I figure I haven't posted anything in awhile, so here you go. :)

So...we went to Ennis on Monday to watch Shrek 4 (3D). It was E, M, R, A, J and N and I and it was a fun trip (even if the movie was less than stellar. Of course -- sequels are never so good, let alone version number 4). Ended up having to wait for, like, an hour for U and her friend to get to the van after their movie (Get him to the Greek, which I still totally want to see)...but it was ok. Nowhere pressing to be. And then we got back, and A (after being lovely and cooperative and social the whole time) felt the need to act up a bit (which I understand, but don't enjoy). She freaked when J wanted to get in the front seat to go home (after E told him to wait in the bus) and wouldn't let him in...and then he started freaking...and most frustratingly she wouldn't listen to anything I was saying but just repeated E told him to stay inside. YES, I get it. ARG.

(I think we need to find a way to communicate with A through actions instead of words, because she doesn't take them in so well and it is incredibly frustrating to come up against her stone wall when she wants to be stubborn. I suppose that's the challenge).

On my day off I did nothing but watch TV and dance a bit, and it was lovely.

Am excited to 'steal' some music off M's computer (we listened to his favourite band the other day, the Hidden Cameras, who are from Missassauga and are quite good and now I want them on my 'puter).

M's parents are here, and are cute. They visited Holy Island today -- which M, U, R and R's brother T and I did the other weekend (good seque, no? :)). We rowed over (the parents took the ferry, I believe), which was really fun and really exhausting and really frustrating (because T was being insecure and putting M and I down for our apparently bad rowing skills although he didn't do any of it himself. Which R pointed out, in a lovely chivalrous moment). Still, it was good to get there on our own effort. (The photos are from our trip there -- enjoy, Dad, although we didn't go with Pearse so you'll have to fill in the anecdotes yourself :)).

Here's a big personal step for me -- we've been discussing August, because A will be around but both R and E are vacationing and P says he'll come stay in Clai for that time but it's P so he still won't fully be there, I don't think (he's lovely, but stretched thin -- fingers in a lot of pots, and all that). Anyway, part of Aug is meant to be a holiday to Duffcarrig (another Camphill). P planned for A and R and himself and me to go, but I really didn't want to. So, instead of being my usual quiet and relatively backbone-less self, I spoke up and said no, I really don't want to come on that trip. And then P laid on a guilt trip (because if I don't go, he needs to find a female coworker to go in case something happens with A, which is kind of impossible since I'm the only female coworker available). I wavered a bit, but still stuck to my guns and now it's established that maybe a coworker in Duffcarrig will do.

And then R took it too far (as usual) and thought I meant that I can't be alone with them anymore, which is not what I meant at all. Just, a holiday would mean a lot of solo time with them, and since P is very social and knows Duffcarrig it would mean more (I'm sure he'd go off on his own, and I wouldn't want to stop him from doing so and would therefore end up with the two on my own) and they take so much emotional energy (each) that I can't imagine being with them both pretty much alone for a week. I'd go crazy. (More with R than A, actually -- both take a lot, but I'm more emotionally tied to R because he's my age and I'm already awkward around other people my age and he's too fickle -- sometimes he's fine and lovely and polite and all, and then he'll switch and become sullen and really rude. Which is fair enough, people have bad days...but I always like everything to be ok and problems to be fixed quickly and it doesn't work like that and I get emotionally strained very easily around him. And (somewhat unrelatedly) R is always pushing certain things with him, like a clean room and getting up on time and all that and I'm too young to agree. Oh, he's sleeping in? So what? He's a 21-year-old boy. Of course he is. And oh, his room is messy? So's mine. So what? (Meaning a lot of his behaviour I take as just being 21, and am fine with it, while R is trying to get him to act another way. More adult, maybe. Whatever). And with A, too -- she takes and takes and I am not very good at saying stop (although I'm getting better)....and yeah.

(PS: Sorry, this post seems to be making less sense than usual. I think I've had too many coffees, and plus I can't express my emotions very succinctly anyway. Who can? :))

Anyway, now I have to sit down with P and R and explain what I mean (why I can't go on the holiday with them). Yay. Emotions.

And...yeah. As much as I love it here, and am so glad for the experience and all it's teaching me...right now, I'm going to be very glad to go home in January. Alone time? Really? :)

And I'm off to Switzerland (to meet up with M, and then go on to France probably) in September (over my birthday, actually). I'm really excited...finally, some Europe travels! :)

Ok.

That's all for now, because it's almost supper and this post is already confusing enough and filled with enough overflow of emotions.

Here's hoping you're all doing swimmingly.

LOVE.

PS: The other day we were weeding the potatoes and then it started raining and everyone left but I wanted to finish my row (I've found I'm a bit OCD about some things :)) so I worked away and then I wanted to clean it up a bit so I rolled all the weeds to the end of the row...and then it felt like making a snowman, so instead I made a weedman (weed-troll, actually) and here's his picture. I had to leave to get the camera, and when I came back his head had fallen off (I think a bird tried to land on him), so it's Weedy Mark 2...but still. :)

PPS: Internet's crazy again, so Weedy and another picture (and maybe video of Holy Island) will have to come later.

Ah well.

the very belated canada day post

Poutine!

Everyone enjoying some Canadian dishes -- and I swear it's suppertime, not noon.

Canada plus Higgins -- green pie C-day style. :)

C-day cinnamon buns, cause M had a dream where I made some. :)

Me...because how else would you clean up the decorations?

Hey, happy belated Canada Day. :)

I commandeered a little celebration here...and it went off swimmingly. Another Canadian came (over here to WOOF) and we sang O Canada (I sang the French, too), and we (M, S, new volunteer, L and I and B, other Canadian) made poutine and I made green pie (which became red pie, which became Canadian flag pie -- see photo :)) and we had a little Canadian quiz and watched some Degrassi Junior High. It was lovely, actually, because people seemed to really enjoy themselves and it was a welcome break from the routine. :)

The funny thing about the poutine was that it totally became poutine, Irish-style -- I don't want to cook meet, so there was brown sauce instead of gravy; the chips were baked in the oven instead of cooked in fat; no one knows what a cheese curd is here (and they certainly don't sell them), so it was little blocks of cheddar instead. But it looked right (see photo :)), and tasted good, so no worries.

Also on Thursday, A was having a bad day and I snuffed the morning gathering candle (it being Canada Day), and she took it personally and slapped me across the face as I tried to enter the kitchen behind her. Which didn't actually hurt, but was very startling because it came out of no where (and was made worse because I was quite hungry and low blood sugar is hard enough to deal with on its own without violence being added). Anyway, we all sat down and tried to explain why this wouldn't work and A couldn't go on like this here and we'd stop violence if it was happening to her so wouldn't she feel the same about us? No, she'd let the violence go on...which makes me more sad than anything, because I can't really imagine not having a sense of what other people are feeling/doing. But anyway, I really don't think the conversation helped at all, because she understands actions (not words). So then we sent her back to her other bed for a few days, and I think (at least when she was leaving) she understood it as this is the end of her Clai trial and she failed -- when it was more we all need a time out and we'll try again in a bit. Anyway, she might be coming back today....we'll see. (NB: She did return, and it's been a rocky day...but I think she's settling back in and I just need to spend more time with her to get back into our rhythm, and then all will be well again.)

And then R and I had a chat about letting out all the emotions that come with a situation like ours (ie. if I need to cry or go for a walk or something, I should do it now and let it work itself out rather than bottling it up and having it explode, or leak out, later). All of which makes sense, but is hard to do in reality (especially since then she sat there and it felt like she expected me to burst into tears right there. Um, no.) And then I exhuasted myself thinking about all the ways I could let it out, until I realized I'd just have to keep going until it tells me it wants out -- ie I won't try to avoid crying if it wells up, but I won't seek it out. And I ended up crying on the way back from P's birthday party because I was alone and tired and yeah. Why not. Bah. Sometimes I think we talk too much about our emotions and all here, and don't just let them happen.

And on the weekend M and R and P and I went to the Irish Assembly (of Camphills). We camped (at least, R and M and I did) out in a field (neighbouring some cows) on Friday night, which is the first time I've actually camped, tent and all. It was lovely -- kind of cold, but the tent was huge (almost HP-ish -- you could comfortably stand in it) and not too uncomfortable. And the assembly itself was a mix of fun (we introduced our various communities to each other, and M and I wrote a story and read it out for our introduction; I met another Canadian, which was fun (and I'm starting to hear our accent and I like it :)); we listened to the Beatles on the way home and sang at the top of our voices. :D; R and M and I spent some lovely evening hours swinging and playing 20 questions), and not-fun (I was in a very anti-social mood, which doesn't help when the whole point is to mingle and meet other people). But on the whole, I enjoyed it and am glad I went. :)

R and her kids are on holiday now in Germany, and M and M (and little M) are still on their vacation, so it's very few people left in the community. On that note, we decided to go on a daytrip yesterday (instead of working in the normal routine -- ie garden). We went to the Cliffs of Moher, which are gorgeous, and it was a lovely windy and clear day which made it all better. Beautiful...but unfortunately I forgot my camera, so you only get Canada Day pictures. Not the same sort of beauty, but hey. :)

And I think I'm going to travel to Frankfurt in September, and meet M there (after she's done school), and go to her sister's in Switzerland, and then with her dad to France. Yay! Dates and all are still pending, but it looks (from our side, at least) like it's a go. :D

And that's about it for now. Going to try and write some more play (mmm), and then watch un film avec M. :)

Hope all is well, and love and miss you all like nothing else.

LOVE.

PS: On my day off yesterday, I spent some time in Inis because only E and N were there and they offered up the rest of the house (so I could have a quiet space to write). I did actually write (YAY), and I was preparing to go back to Clai to make some supper when E entered the room with a tray -- crisps, salad, juice, a cheese and toast (one side of a grilled cheese), and an egg. It was amazing -- he was so nonchalant about it, saying he was only using leftovers anyway. But still! It was lovely. Such a different atmosphere in that house...totally refreshing.

Ok. That's really it this time. :)

LOVE.